Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

People believe that they are making clear points and being heard when they communicate. As the receiver, we sometimes know otherwise. It is fitting for us to become more aware of HOW and WHAT we say if we really want to be heard. Otherwise, why bother speaking?

A study was conducted measuring several aspects of communication such as empathizing, receiving the message, understanding, giving/receiving feedback, transmitting your message. Interestingly, the “self-assessment’ score was consistently higher than the supervisor or the peer had rated the person. In other words, we think we are doing a great job of communicating; however, the people around us may not agree.

It is important that we learn how to speak in a way that helps us get what we want and in a way that other people can actually hear us. Which of the following explanations would you prefer?

“I am sorry. I tried to get it done but several things got in my way and I just did not have enough time.”

or

“I planned to complete it, but unfortunately that isn’t the case.”

We speak all the time. What message are you delivering? Do others understand what you really mean?  What you need? What you are feeling? Have you ever found yourself beating around the bush because you were afraid to say what was really on your mind? Have you ever just blurted out what was really on your mind and then had regrets about being so blunt?

Language is not all that easy and communicating requires skill. Communication patterns may be learned early on. As adults, we learn that it is okay to express ourselves and the key is to be honest using the “I” message. When we are fearful, angry or hurt, we tend to complicate what we say and/or skirt around it, babble, and many other tactics rather than saying what we want to say simply and clearly. This is dishonoring ourselves. Example: “It is not a problem that you cannot come for dinner because there will be other people and maybe another time will work” vs. “I am disappointed that you cannot join me for dinner”.

I recall attending a Cheryl Richardson conference where someone told a long detailed story about a decision she needed to make. Cheryl Richardson simply asked “What’s in your heart?” That simple, direct question stopped the woman in her tracks and she smiled and said, “Thank you, now I know what I need to do.”

We need to practice communicating in healthy ways and it is easiest to do so with a person whom we feel safe and comfortable with.

A client was angry because her friend was particularly late. When he called, she blasted him about not being there. He asked “What are you really saying?” She then put the emotions aside and said, “I’m frustrated and I’m jealous that someone else has your time besides me.” He replied, “I will be there as soon as I can.”

Once we express what we want or feel simply and directly, the other person can hear us. Babbling and rambling doesn't help us in expressing our point.

Sometimes you may need to delay your response and give yourself time to think and figure out what you feel with a statement such as: “I reserve the right to revisit this conversation.” It is also okay to prepare ahead of time for a difficult conversation.

When your heart and mind are clear, you are able to speak simply and directly. If you are cluttered with shoulds, what ifs, fear, emotion, or judgments, your message is cloudy.

With time and practice, you can verbally own your power and speak simply and directly.  

Are you familiar with the following scene from Alice in Wonderful, A Mad Tea Party:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he SAID was, `Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

`Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. `I'm glad they've begun asking riddles.–I believe I can guess that,' she added aloud.

`Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said the March Hare.

`Exactly so,' said Alice.

`Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

`I do,' Alice hastily replied; `at least–at least I mean what I say–that's the same thing, you know.'

`Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. `You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, `that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, `that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

`It IS the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn't much.

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