People can intentionally send emotional poison; however, if you do not take it personally, you will not eat it. When you do not take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender–not in you. This is the second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, The Four Agreements.
From the familiar “I guess I was not qualified for the position” to the “What have I done wrong?”, we consistently wonder how could we have done things differently. Why is it that someone did not select us? Why did someone decide to ignore my avice after I told them about a better way? I could probably come up with hundreds of examples of the same principle. It is almost inevitable that whatever happens–good or bad–we want to believe that whatever is going on is all about us. Actually, it is rarely about us even though it FEELS as though it is. We may be the trigger or the object; however, it is ALWAYS about the person who holds the feeling.
If it is not about us, then who is it about?
To explain further, here is a detailed example of how we get trapped into thinking it is about us. A very good friend of mine was telling me about a man she met at a party. She was very excited because they had some really great discussions and she was feeling as though they had really connected. At the end of the evening, she asked him if he would like to meet again. He answered that he was not interested. She left the party feeling dejected, rejected, and wondering if it had been something that she said, if she were unattractive to him, and what could have gone wrong. While talking to another friend several days later, she learned that the man is gay and, therefore, would not have been interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her.
Another typical example is when someone is not selected for a specific position that they want. The first thought may be “I am unqualified" or "I did not interview well". In actuality, the company may have been looking to hire a mature, assertive female who could deal with the difficult manager of the department. As a young male pursuing that position, there was no chance for that particular spot no matter how great his resume and interview. In some cases, we are not the best person for
a particular job; however, it is not because there is something ‘wrong’ with us. It could be as simple as we did not meet the need that the employer was seeking.
What does this tell us? Whatever happens–good or bad–is not about us. By taking things personally and going straight to “What did I do?” or “My advice was so helpful” or taking on an emotion such as guilt, it only serves to create distress on our part. In every instance, no matter what we have or have not done, the other person has specific needs (i.e. to be on time, to avoid interruptions, to look smart). It is about that person and their need.
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality…their own dream. When we really see people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do.
Think of a time when someone became angry with you. The angry person expressed their anger and it FELT as though it was about you. In actuality, you were the object of the anger (possibly the trigger for their feeling); however, this is actually about the person who holds the anger expressing himself or herself. You can only get a different and open perspective when you can OBSERVE a situation that feels as though it is about you or directed at you, and not take on the feelings. Instead of feeling wounded, guilty, rejected, etc. you will most likely feel a tremendous sense of freedom and liberation. The next time your mind wonders what you have done wrong, STOP–examine the source , observe the person or situation and notice how it is really about what is going on for them. (This does not mean that you would want to do it the same way next time.) Keep in mind:
- It is about not being responsible for someone else’s feelings.
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It is about not taking it personally and not letting their emotion affect you.
